Friday, April 27, 2012

ACTUAL DEATH EXPERIENCE by Cillian Daly

In the future, death is the new drug. So perfect are these "Actual Death Experiences", they are made illegal. Now one scientist must risk her life trying to figure out how an impossible death experience even exists, and stop the slaughter of millions of innocent lives.

How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday one of us (or a guest reviewer) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!


Readers then vote and comment on your work.


*** We did not receive any submissions for the Write For Each Other page, so it was taken down. ***

This week Dan read the 1st 10 pages of Cillian Daly's ACTUAL DEATH EXPERIENCE.

Hello everyone! My name's Dan and I'll be doing my thang this week. When Rob asked me to write a review, I was so psyched because I love giving people script notes! ...and then I realized... "Oh crap, I have to write a review."

Never done this before, so bear with me...




Okay, so I'm gonna come clean right off the bat and say I was so intrigued by the first 10 pages that I contacted Cillian for the full version...I actually read pretty much the whole first act, so I've gotta hand it to him. Very picky reader here, so for an amateur script this is pretty rare...

So, without further ado:

We open inside an air vent. Something thumping - a big fan. Ha, and there's a Japanese guy inside it: quirky. Oh, and now he's falling backwards, and oh huh he's smiling that's weird and then oh my god this guy just got chopped and blendered into human mist!

What is going on?!

But then, this same Japanese guy wakes up in a recliner in a spa-like laboratory room. All in one piece. Apparently, this was just some kind of simulation. A technician comes over and gives the man a sampling of gourmet peanuts. She hands him an aftercare package, then sends him out the room with genuine tears of joy on his face.

Here's where the concept of the film becomes clear: in the future, the greatest thrill, the most transcending high is not from any drug or roller coaster or extreme sport. The most exciting experience a human being can have in the future is the experience of death. In fact, people pay to have someone else make them feel like they just kicked the proverbial bucket, i.e. our Asian man's little party with the vent fan. However likely this concept is, it's just so bizarre and new to me. I loved the premise right from the start.

The other thing that immediately jumped out to me was just how visually interesting this futuristic world was. The great thing about sci-fi is the fact that there are no restrictions placed on one's creativity. If you can imagine it, you can have it. Cillian takes this to heart. From the spine-less chairs with their robotic armatures, to the glass walls with scrolling orange and blue text, to the employee shirts which diffuse colors at the touch of a cuff, I was just having a blast seeing this world through Cillian's eyes. These are the kinds of touches that really put a movie into the reader's head.

So what about the actual story? Well, we are centering this plot around Elena, one of the technicians who orchestrates the "actual death experience" procedures, or the "A.D.E.s". Right after Elena is finished with Mr. Fukiama, our grateful paying customer, she heads down to the basement of Loacyte Laboratories to help out with Research & Development - apparently this corporation hires test patients to come in and subject themselves to the A.D.E.s. for the bettering of the technology. Regarding Elena as a character, unfortunately for me there's not much that really popped off the page about her the way the world does, and I'll get to that in a moment.

However, something else happens during one of Elena's test procedures that dropped my jaw to the floor. A young anxious college student named Kelly, low on funds, came into the story at this point, volunteering to undergo a test A.D.E. for some quick cash.

The test procedure is running smoothly. Elena and her partner/love interest Ben are true pros it appears. But then, just as a mass of fibrous needles is routinely inserted into Kelly's spine, feeding her nervous system with the "death experience", something goes horribly, horribly wrong.

I won't go into all the gory details, but suffice it to say that Kelly doesn't have quite the same experience as Mr. Fukiama. She ends up dead. Literally dead. Blood all over the actual floor kind of dead. And apparently, this sort of thing has happened before.

I will say at this point, and even in the next twenty pages or so (I know I'm cheating here), I don't get a good sense of why something is going wrong in these tests. And also, if people actually can die in an A.D.E, how is Loacyte Laboratories still doing business? Not only is this an extremely dangerous procedure, it's also illegal, and yet this is still a thriving, wealthy corporation. Some explanations are hinted at, but it is a bit of a confusing picture overall.

We close out our first 10 pages on a meeting between the young baffled technicians and the elderly head of Loacyte, Harold Aignes, and his creepy assistant John Paver. Harold Aignes is a man of ideals. He's not quite as affected by the death of a young test subject as Elena and Ben are, because after all: "accidents fuel scientific progress". He's a cold, compassion-less man, and we are right to surmise that something is not right with him.

The scene ends with us learning that Elena is planning some kind of vacation, and then a contemplative monologue from Walter about the relationship between man and science.

So, I said before that I wasn't too connected to Elena, and part of that just has to do with the nature of only being able to read 10 pages; but also I think it's because we don't get any sense of who she is. What does she want? What is fueling her? Right now, and again it's still early, but to me: she's just an employee, not a person. Switch her out with any other technician in the facility, and you could tell the same exact plot. I don't think anything about Elena's actual character is even really hinted at in these first ten pages, it's pretty much her just going through routine work procedures. And even then she don't have a whole lot of flavor. I would love for Cillian to ask himself, "Why did Elena take this job?" and "How does she feel about what she does?" and "How does she feel about herself?" And then, see if you can give us a small taste to some of those answers. She just doesn't have much personality for me at this point, and I have trouble even visualizing her as a real person.
Creepy old Harold Aignes, however, in his pursuit for nothing else but scientific glory: now that was someone who we understood and maybe even empathized with right from the get-go. He was like an actual dude.

My other complaint was the dialogue. I provide a tip to Cillian in my notes to read his dialogue out loud. Hell, act your scenes out even. There were a few lines that just didn't sound very natural, and other parts just felt dry (this may be partly why I was having trouble "seeing" Elena). I know from personal experience that sometimes there's just so much content you want to get onto the page, especially with a premise like this, but you have to make sure that your characters are real people talking in real confrontations, and not just heads spouting off their beats.


Also, it's very possible these complaints are coming from feelings I got after these first ten pages when I continued to read the script, so I apologize - I kind of have that whole picture though, hard to separate it now. 

But, anyways: I think if Cillian works on his protagonists, fleshes them out and trusts them to lead his story (and not the other way around), then he could really have something great here. I will give this one a "More Please", but with the strong caveat that your concept can only take you so far if we don't care about the plight of the people in your story. As it is, this is still a very bad-ass script for me, and I had a great time reading it.

Please guys, add your own thoughts below! No right or wrong answers here.

Cheers,
Dan


( )Trash It 
( )Take Another Pass 
(*)More Please 
( )Somebody Shoot This!


Dan's Notes


What did you think of Cillian's 1st 10 pages?






Next week Amy will give feedback on the 1st 10 pages of Martin Dolan's ROCK NOT DEAD.


TO GIVE FEEDBACK  ON CILLIAN'S PAGES CLICK ON COMMENTS BELOW.

Friday, April 20, 2012

DYLATOV'S ENCORE by Amy Suto

A mysterious woman with amnesia must reconcile her past as a lethal spy for a black ops organization who will stop at nothing to make sure she doesn't discover the truth about why she lost her memory. Bourne Identity meets Point of No Return. Inspired by true events.

How It Works

Email Rob the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday one of us (or a guest reviewer) posts one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then vote and comment on your work.


*** Dan Dollar and Amy Suto have joined Feedback Friday as regular reviewers. If you are interested in doing a guest review contact Rob via Email or Twitter. ***


This week Rob read the 1st 10 pages of Amy Suto's DYALTOV'S ENCORE.



The logline is pretty solid and enticing as is. Could it be a little tighter? Perhaps:

An amnesiac must reconcile her past as a lethal spy before a black ops organization makes sure she doesn't discover the truth about why she lost her memory. 


The first scene is an active, establishing one in which a violent storm assaults an island. Amy's verb choice is excellent. Words like slam, tear, ripping, and rise give the reader a very visual image of what is going on. Right from the start you've got a movie playing in your head.


We then move to a high tower office with a panoramic view of "the battle below" where we meet Erick Prince and his subordinate Chynna. There's a sense that they belong to some sort of paramilitary operation and it's very clear that Chynna is accustomed to being the one calling the shots. We also learn that she's after a weapon that she's been tracking for years.


Page one begins with a cinematic opening, tension between characters and some dramatic questions: Who are these people? Whom do they work for? What is this weapon and what happens if they don't find it?


Another cinematic sequence follows in which Chynna narrates events (that unfold on screen) that occurred in the northern Ural Mountains in 1959. I won't go into detail here, but let's just say it was a bad day for Yuri and an even worse one for his buddies.


When Chynna's voice over ends we are back in the tower office. There is an exchange between Erick and Chynna that sets up the stakes. Whoever was behind the Dylatov incident plans to strike again. But this time they will be coming for Yuri and they won't stop there. In order to stop them Chynna will need, "the one we left behind."


Next, we smash cut to a Russian town where we meet Dale, an American novelist. He's not given an age, which is a huge screenwriting no no. It's essential to give some indication. Marlon Brando, for example, can conjure up two very different images. Is it Brando from Street Car or Brando from The Island of Dr. Moreau? (By the way, don't use actor's names in your character descriptions. It doesn't hurt to have an idea of who's playing it in your head, but leave the casting to the casting director.)


I go into detail about the next couple of pages in my notes. But to sum it up, this is where we meet the protagonist, Alexia. The biggest problem I found here was too much dialogue and too little action. When getting exposition out there it needs to be done in a visually interesting way. 


Amy's got a solid, commercial premise (as evidenced by someone else selling a similar script). She's also got a great opening sequence. With another pass this one could be a contender.

( )Trash It
(*)Take Another Pass
( )More Please
( )Somebody Shoot This!


ROB'S NOTES


What did you think of Amy Suto's DYLATOV'S ENCORE?



Next week Dan will review the first 10 pages of Cillian Daly's Actual Death Experience.







PLEASE COMMENT BELOW ON AMY SUTO'S FIRST TEN PAGES




Friday, April 13, 2012

1601 by Louis Sangalli


A shut-in, losing his grip on reality, struggles to evict his twisted roommate and conquer his fear of the outside world, in order to win back the woman he loves.


How It Works

You email me the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, I (or a guest reviewer) post one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This!

Readers then vote and comment on your work.

This week Amy Suto reviewed the 1st 10 pages of Louis Sangalli's 1601

I think Rob read my mind, because I'm madly in love with scripts where characters have to face huge internal obstacles with external consequences. (Like schizophrenics conquering their internal delusions, a la the John Nash biopic, A Beautiful Mind, or a man with a stutter who must make the most important speech of all time like in The King's Speech). So when I read the logline for 1601, I was thrilled. There's a few punctuation changes I would make so it reads smoother:

A shut-in losing his grip on reality must evict his twisted roommate and conquer his fear of the outside world in order to win back the woman he loves.

1601 begins very cinematically, with a bone-chilling voiceover and a committed crime. Openings like this make you feel that you are in the hands of a skilled writer, and I was sucked in immediately. We then find out that Paul is a lonely shut-in whose girlfriend walks out on him. On top of that, he is struggling with his rent along with his inability to make it down the stairs of his apartment.
This is a lean script, which by itself is a huge compliment. Too many times writers provide a gluttony of description instead of the bare essentials. Just read RED, Taken, or Alien. Description in these scripts are sparser than the surface of the moon, but that's what makes them work! Another thing I really loved about this script was the writer's skill with words. Paul “darts about like an irate dog” in the beginning, which shows us that he's anxious instead of telling us.

Stylistically, this script is nearly perfect. There are way too many double dashes. Punctuation is key in a script, because as writers we need to direct the reader's eyes. Ellipses are great for slowing down the pace and building suspense, and double dashes speed up the pace or segue into another log line. If you abuse the double dash, the reader may begin skimming and not absorbing what is really happening. I know picking on punctuation sounds silly, but double dashes are to writers as jump cuts are to editors. Use your tools wisely!

As I wrote in my notes, I would stay away from mentioning brands. “Phone” instead of “Droid.” Sure, specificity is good (Porsche instead of car, for example) but the difference between Porsches and Droids is this: a Porsche is a brand that is stigmatized with wealth. With that one word a writer can communicate exactly the kind of person who would own this car. But Droid? What does that do for the story? The character? In my opinion, just say phone and move on.

The character Paul is described as “skinny jeans sexy,” but that doesn't tell us anything about his character. So he's a pathetic shut-in that we feel sorry for... but what else? I know it's only the first ten pages but I had trouble getting a read on him. He's anxious, irate, and Emily Dickinson-esque. If he's going to be painted as a Recluse archetype, there needs to be another dimension to his personality, and he must have some sort of rich inner life or secret hobby. I just need some sort of texture to this guy. What are his likes/dislikes? What does he do in his apartment all day? What does he do for a living? He's a bit bland.

This leads me to Elona. Paul doesn't want to talk to her in the hall the night after giving her a place to stay. I'm unsure of her purpose in the story. Maybe keep her around when Angelica breaks up with Paul? When in doubt, add a third person to an argument! Awkward situations and heightened conflict are storytelling gold.

The title threw me for a loop. When someone is pitching you a movie, what does the title “1601” bring to mind? That's right: the dreaded historical piece us new writers should avoid like the plague. I would recommend changing the title to something that encompasses the entire plot (and doesn't mislead readers on the genre!)

Overall, I really enjoyed these ten pages. I can tell that the writer knows what he's doing, and there's talent within these pages. The story just needs some polish to make it shine!

( ) Trash It
(*) Take Another Pass
( ) More Please
( ) Somebody Shoot This!


What did you think of Louis Sangalli's 1st 10 pages?










Next week I'll give feedback on the 1st 10 pages of Amy Suto's DYALTOV'S ENCORE.



Please comment on Louis Sangalli's 1st 10 pages below.

Friday, April 6, 2012

THIS TOM'S SON by Vanessa Pope

While his father is deployed in Afghanistan, sixteen year old Chris ignores the problems in his family by waging a war of his own.

How It Works

You email me the first ten pages of your feature length screenplay (in pdf. format) along with a logline and title. Every Friday, I post one writer's work along with notes and a:

Rating

Trash It (Start over.)
Take Another Pass (You're onto something, but it needs more work.)
More Please (I'm hooked. What happens next?)
Somebody Shoot This! 


Readers then vote and comment on your work.


This week I read the first 10 pages of Vanessa Pope's THIS TOM'S SON.


*** Vanessa Pope is represented by Peter Macfarlane of Macfarlane Chard. ***





The story begins in Belfast. It's an idyllic, early summer scene when a voice over comes in. A woman, Martina McCoy, writes to her absent husband. We quickly realize that her words are out of sync with the serene images on the screen.

Next, we meet their children. Martina's description (of what is going on with each one) compliments what we see. Screenwriters are often warned against using voice over in the beginning of a screenplay. Good thing Vanessa didn't heed those warnings because it works beautifully here. In just a little over a page, we learn both the players and the situation they find themselves in. Not only that, it's presented in an active and humorous way.

Then, we meet the neighbors- lead by the aptly named David Furey who, "carries himself with the air of a man who has won his family as trophies." He's also a real jerk. So it comes as no surprise that Chris is determined to make him the target of their little prank later on. I won't go into detail here, in case you haven't read it yet, but things get pretty sticky. You sense that there's some history here and that Furey had it coming.

Is this the inciting incident? It's hard to say having only read 10 pages. It could be that something happens within the next few pages to really get the story rolling. But something stronger needs to happen sooner. That's my only criticism (I go into more detail about formatting and such in my notes) in terms of the story itself.

Hollywood readers are looking for something gripping in those first few pages. Her crippled husband returns home unannounced, news arrives that he's been killed in action or gone missing, the boy's prank goes horribly wrong and someone is killed or maimed- you get the picture.

Regarding Vanessa's writing ability? She clearly has the chops to become a professional writer. The characters are vividly drawn and her pacing is excellent. Anyone can learn to craft a decent screenplay, but there's a certain element of artistry needed to write a good one and that can't be taught. I suspect we'll be seeing a lot more of Vanessa Pope in the future. So, when it comes to Vanessa Pope and her story- I'd like some more please, but regarding these 10 pages:


(  ) Trash It 
(*) Take Another Pass
(  ) More Please 
(  ) Somebody Shoot This!

What did you think of Vanessa Pope's first 10 pages?



MY NOTES



Vote below for which 10 pages you'd like me to review on 4/27/12. (I'll be reviewing Amy Suto's 1st 10 pages on 4/20/12.)



ROCK NOT DEAD by Martin Dolan
In less than 24 hours zombies rise all over town. A teen rock band struggles not only to survive, but to play the show of their lives.


£80 PER WEEK by Alex Durham
Rooms for let.

THE GIFT OF FIRE by Reginald Beltran
Forbidden from continuing her life's work in the U.S., a linguistics professor accepts an invitation from a Nigerian dictator to continue her research with apes.

HUNA MAGIC by Dawn Star
After two beautiful sorcery students are sentenced to death, they escape seeking a pardon and face a fantastical odyssey across rainbows, through the Underworld and against lizard demons, with aid from the Goddesses and Gods of ancient Hawaii.


WOODED DARKNESS by Freddie Lee Cross II
An emotionally haunted girl, Ara Mashal, prepares for her 18th birthday when her serial killer ex-boyfriend, 29 year old Eddie Tateon, shows up with his own murderous plans to unravel her life.


BERNARD'S WATCH by Chip Thompson
Bernard has had his magical stopping watch since he was a young boy. Now the power of time is beginning to corrupt.


ACTUAL DEATH EXPERIENCE by Cillian Daly 
In the future, death is the new drug. So perfect are these "Actual Death Experiences", they are made illegal. Now one scientist must risk her life trying to figure out how an impossible death experience even exists, and stop the slaughter of millions of innocent lives.



Next week Amy Suto will review the first 10 pages of Louis Sangalli's 1601.


A shut-in, losing his grip on reality, struggles to evict his twisted roommate and conquer his fear of the outside world, in order to win back the woman he loves.






Comment on Vanessa Pope's 1st 10 pages below.